Gotta go.

“Don’t shit where you eat,” warns a common adage. Propriety would agree. I prefer “don’t bang where you hang,” but no matter the wording, the advice is the same: Don’t get it on where you live, learn, spend or earn. Having had more ill-advised affairs than I care to remember, I understand the warning’s intention. But even from the far side of experience, the idea that human life can remain untainted by animal instinct seems absurd.

Trynna so hard.

For better or worse, a strong connection usually begins with, well, a connection. A mutual friend. A shared interest. A common employer, professor or landlord (oh, cruel world). A dynamic forms, tension builds and then…something happens. The dynamic changes, but the connection unbearably stands. Look what you did, you filthy animal! That’s what you get for shitting where you eat.

But why is that so wrong, and what is the alternative in which there is no common ground? Online dating? I’m not hating on OkCupid, but I’m not on there because I meet plenty of interesting people in real life. Of course, I live in New York City, where “interesting” could mean that I caught you relieving yourself on a table at Starbucks. What? That guy was kind of cute.

Kidding, it was the most horrifying moment of my life. Talk about shitting where you eat, AMIRIGHTLADIEZZZ?

Civilized norms don’t prevent things from going awry. Locks jams. Toilets clog. Paper runs out (oh, cruel world). Meanwhile, the monkeys rolling around in their own waste are no worse for the indiscretion. They simply get better at ignoring their shit. Or slinging it at their enemies.

Evolve this, bitch.

I say we thoughtfully shit where we please. Actions have consequences, but we assign the value of both. By forecasting inevitable shitstorms – and, you know, communicating our intentions like grown-ups – we can decide for ourselves whether we’re willing to risk a few stinky days. Let’s face it: Shitting can be uncomfortable, no matter where it happens. Sometimes, ya just gotta go.

Do you follow any dating rules?


7 responses to “Gotta go.

  1. This is disgusting! Je l’adore!!

    I dunno, man… still reeling from a recently-ex boyfriend who lives down the street from me/ who’s friends are my friends/ who is the reason why I stare straight ahead at Real Housewives while on the eliptical and do.not.turn. around at the gym. That shit cray. But speaking of shit… I’m happy I shit there in the first place, happy it happened. I have no personal experience with Ok Cupid but hate it for some untold reason, and despite strange mansperiences I’ve had out in the real world… I, too, am pro-shitting wherever you please. Snaps!!

    ❤ Rose

    • emmaaubryroberts

      I KNOW, RIGHT? I DON’T KNOW HOW THIS HAPPENED. I sat down with pure intentions and hours later, this is what came out (double meaning intended). Clearly I needed to get something out of my system (heh heh).

      That is rough and I feel for you. Rough…but temporary, right? In six months you’ll be thrilled that he has to stare at your toned ass while he does his burpees (or whatever dudes do at the gym). Shit on, sister. Wiping is just part of the game. #cantstopwontstop

  2. In my life in general I’ve had absolutely no rules when it comes to dating. Although I did end up meeting my current boyfriend on okcupid, for what it’s worth. 🙂 but, I don’t know…sometimes relationships are more convenient when you bang where you hang. And that’s kind of awesome in and of itself. At least for a while.

  3. Muahaha just saw that punny response… I love innuendo, and every vegan I know, including myself, could talk about the delights of a good shit. HELL YES to the toned ass! Just did a back to back spin class… take that, pre-digested BF!

  4. Pingback: Dance-perate times. | BITE

  5. Hmm.. sounds like something close to home. Very. Let’s just say there’s been some sexual tension between me and one of my roommates… that’s been building for months. Before long… tension must be released.

    • emmaaubryroberts

      Oh dang. The roommate thing’s a doozy. One of my best friends got with her roommate and it was temporary disaster — they were on and it was great, then off and it was awful, then on again but felt like it was too much so they moved out but stayed a couple. They’ve now been together three years and actually moved back in together last summer (on purpose) (and it’s great). So I mean, all’s well that ends well.

      Honestly, I think you have to weigh the potential reward against the potential horror if it ends badly. Don’t put yourself in the path of misery for a hookup, but if you feel like it could be more than that? Godspeed. More pressing question: How soon can you get out of your lease?

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