Sorry I’m not sorry I’m not sorry I’m not WHAT? (Alternate title: I’m.)

Since posting my rant against “sorry I’m not sorry”, I’ve frequently found myself itching to say it. Funny how that works, hmm? I just want to clarify that while I do believe in actively improving at being human – even at the occasional expense of our own impulses and desires – I also believe that there are areas in which we have nothing to gain from beating up on ourselves. Maybe I’ve been reading too much Thought Catalog (God, what a 20-something), but a listicle format seemed like the logical way to present…

Five Things for Which I Will Never Apologize
Clearly, ending a sentence with a preposition is not one of them.

1. Not updating my blog. If you ever hear me use the term “hiatus” again, please smack me. If I’m not updating my blog, it’s because I a) have nothing to say, b) have too much to say and am accordingly distracted by all those other things, or c) felt like talking on the phone/painting my nails/baking a hideous loaf of “bread” out of protein powder/teaching myself the choreography to a Lady Gaga music video instead, and I am not sorry. This is exactly the reason I went on my first hiatus (smack)—if I’m going to blog, it will be because I want to, not because I have anything to prove. My blog is a hobby. I like that it helps me work through my neuroses and keeps me regularly writing for pleasure, but I never want my outlet to become an obligation. I joyfully make no promises.

2. Eating whatever I want for no other reason than because I want it. Nothing makes me stabbier than listening to someone disclaim food as they are eating it. “I didn’t eat lunch, it’s fine.” “I went for a run earlier, it’s fine.” The more passive-aggressive “mmm, calories.” Stop it! Y’all know I’m into health and balance and whatnot, but if I’m going for it with a sandwich the size of my face, I don’t need to be reminded that I’m making a poor choice (which is just that: a conscious choice that I am making). By assuring me that there’s no judgment, you are acquiescing to the idea that food choices deserve to be judged in the first place. No. It’s a cookie, not a moral conundrum. Talking about calories will not make your food have less of them—it will only ruin both of our dining experiences. Eat what you want without telling me why you’ve “earned” it, and I will do the same.

3. Being sessualParents, avert your eyes! Okay, in all honesty, this is one of the few topics I don’t feel comfortable discussing on the Internet. Suffice to say: I follow my instincts, which are sometimes good and sometimes bad, and it sometimes works and sometimes doesn’t. Whatever. I don’t want to take a trip down Overshare Avenue or get up on my feminist high horse here, I just want to say: you do you (or others, if you so choose). And speaking of feminist high horses…

3a. Using the C-word. Why is this the last remaining language taboo? Don’t be cunty.

4. Altering my appearance. I get it. My natural hair color is lovely and rare. Here’s the thing: I am physically and mentally incapable of having the same hair color/cut/style for more than four months at a time. I go stir crazy. I get bored. Boredom is the enemy. Hair dye is not the enemy. HDITE is not even a word.

5. Being real at the expense of being cool. Again, not talking about Manic Pixie Dream Girl syndrome here (aka Zooey and Chloe and all of their friends). I mean being intense. Being emotional. Wanting to have deep, substantial conversations—truthfully, I want to know your story even more than I want to tell my own. Sorry I’m not sorry for wanting to skip small talk and go straight to real talk, for listening a little too intently to what you have to say, for remembering silly details that you tell me, or for sending unsolicited texts/emails/messages just to check in or say hello. In fact, I AM sorry for the times when I’m too wrapped up in my own issues to do these things. I may never be cool, but I will do my best to be a good friend and a good person.

Sorry I’m not sorry (except when I am). I yam what I yam (except when I’m not). And now I want sweet potato fries. I went for a run earlier, it’s fine.

For what are you not sorry (grammar excluded)?

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3 responses to “Sorry I’m not sorry I’m not sorry I’m not WHAT? (Alternate title: I’m.)

  1. I’m not sorry for wanting to punch people that can talk about themselves for two hours straight and not ask me once what’s going on with my life.

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